What the Heck are we Gonna Do This Season
by mermaid2bseeker
Summary: My idea of what went on during the preseason 9 meeting.
1. Bad Guys

Welcome to the ninth annual: What the Heck are We Gonna Do This Season Meeting.  
by mermaid2bseeker

Attending the meeting is:  
Marble WoodpeckerMartin Wood  
Pierre DeLusionalPeter DeLuise  
Jolly MizoeyJoseph Mazolli  
Cameron Mitchell  
Samantha Carter  
Daniel Jackson  
Vala Maldorran  
Teal'c  
and the unnamed Secretary in charge of the Writer's bible.

Chapter 1: The Bad Guys

PIERRE: "The ninth annual 'What the Heck are We Gonna Do This Season Meeting' is now in session."

MARBLE: "Okay, you with the writer's bible, how many bad guys do we have left?"

SECRETARY: "Um…none."

JOLLY: "You're kidding. None? What about Anubis?"

SECRETARY: "Locked in an eternal battle with Oma DeSala."

JOLLY: "Hathor?"

SECRETARY: "Frozen"

JOLLY: "Apophis?"

EVERYBODY: "No!!!"

PIERRE: "Replicators?"

SECRETARY: "Destroyed by the "Electro-Pulse o'Doom.""

CAMERON: "Who the heck named it that?"

SAMANTHA: "Jack O'Neill."

PIERRE: "Cronus? Nirrti? Yu?"

SECRETARY: "Dead, dead, and me?"

PIERRE: "Funny."

SECRETARY: "Thank Yu. Oh and The Great Yu is dead too."

MARBLE: "Damn. What about Camulus? Amaterasu? Sokar? Mot? Khonsu? Heru'ur? Tanith? Bastet? Seth? Simmons? Kinsey?"

SECRETARY: "They all killed each other."

DANIEL: "Excuse me?!"

SECRETARY: "Oh, yeah, Sg-1 killed some of them too."

DANIEL: "Thank You."

MARBLE: "Is there anyone in the bad guys section we haven't killed yet?"

SECRETARY: "Well, there's…um…no, no, no, uh,…well there's one, but she's not really a bad guy, per se, more of an annoyance, really."

MARBLE: "I don't care. Who is it?"

SECRETARY: "Vala Maldorran You know, the one that beat up Daniel on the Prometheus."

DANIEL: "I let her win."

SAMANTHA: "Hey, guys. Just to let you know, I have to take maternity leave."

JOLLY: "Perfect. We can make Vala a good guy. Yeah. We could use her to introduce us to the new bad guys."

PIERRE: "And who are they?"

JOLLY: "I'm still thinking. But no one's gonna care as long as there's a female on Sg-1."

VALA: "I like it. Hey can I wear pig tails and a skin-tight leather suit?"

ALL THE GUYS: "Yeah, sure."

CAMERON: "What if, for a change, we have bad guys who actually think they are gods?"

JOLLY: "I like it."

DANIEL: "And the reason we've never noticed them is?"

CRICKETS: "Chirp, chirp, chirp."

TEALC: "Perhaps the Ancients were protecting us?"

MARBLE : "And Sg-1 does something stupid to reveal their existence to the bad guys."

SAMANTHA: "What? Again?"

JOLLY: "Why not?"

PIERRE: "So what are we gonna call these guys?"

JOLLY: "The Oreos!"

EVERYONE: "No!"

VALA: "The Others!"

EVERYONE: "No!"

CAMERON: "The Buttheads."

EVERYONE: "No!"

PIERRE: "The Orions!"

EVERYONE: "No!"

MARBLE: "What about the Ori?"

EVERYONE: "Nnn… hey, wait. That's actually pretty good."

PIERRE: "Okay, the Ori it is. Now we need episode ideas."

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Please review. 


	2. Plots

Welcome to the ninth annual: What the Heck are We Gonna Do This Season Meeting.  
by mermaid2bseeker

Chapter 2: Episode Ideas

TEALC: "Should we not endeavor to kill Cameron this season?"

CAMERON: "Wait, what?"

DANIEL: "You know, you don't have to talk like that when the cameras aren't on."

TEALC: "Like what DanielJackson?"

MARBLE: "He's right. We should kill Mitchell."

CAMERON: "No we shouldn't."

SAMANTHA: "You wanted to be part of this team. Well, during the first season we all got killed at least once."

JOLLY: "Since, it's your first season, you get to die at least once, too."

PIERRE: "Don't worry. We'll bring you back right as rain, honest."

CAMERON: "Let's turn the team invisible."

DANIEL: "Didn't we already do that to me?"

MARBLE: "So that was years ago, no one will remember."

JOLLY: "Let's make the bad guy invisible too."

TEALC: "And it is only I that can see him."

DANIEL: "Seriously, stop talking that way, it's getting creepy."

TEALC: "I do not understand what you mean."

DANIEL: "Aaarrgh!"

VALA: "Someone got up on the wrong side of the sarcophagus today."

DANIEL: "Well, you would know."

PIERRE: "Ooh, lets have Vala try to seduce Daniel."

MARBLE: "Why?"

PIERRE: "Because, uh, she likes him but it's a defence mechanism against making lasting relationships."

VALA: "Dr. Phil, much?"

JOLLY: "So they're gonna get together in the end?"

DANIEL: "That would be nice. I haven't had a girlfriend in, uh, hey, wait a minute, have I ever had a girlfriend on this show?"

SECRETARY: "Um, let's see. Girlfriends, Daniel. Here it is: Shyla, Kira, Sarah, Janet, Shar're, Oma De Sala—"

DANIEL: "Hey, she was never my girlfriend!"

SAMANTHA: "I thought you said you couldn't remember your time ascended."

DANIEL: "I mean, uh, I don't. I don't remember anything."

TEALC: "May I shave my head again?"

MARBLE: "No!"

TEALC: "But I can never style it properly."

JOLLY: "So, girls love the hair."

TEALC: "Really. Then why have no girls thrown themselves at me in adoration?"

CAMERON: "You can have some of mine. Everyday I have to walk around with them holding onto my legs as if for dear life."

FANGIRLS: "Oh, my god! Oh, my god! I'm touching him, I'm touching him! Eeeekkk!"

CAMERON: "And the strange thing is, they all seem to think my name is Crichton."

DANIEL: "And they keep giving me dirty looks and telling me to stay away from Aeryn, whoever that is."

PIERRE: "Let's have Anubis' clone running amok in the SGC."

SAMANTHA: "But we've done doppelganger episodes almost every season."

PIERRE: "Well, it seems to work. Viewers keep watching."

JOLLY: "Okay, Anubis' clone it is."

CAMERON: "Hey, if it's my first season, and I have to die, shouldn't Vala die too, cause it's her first season as well."

VALA: "It's really only like 1/3 of a season."

MARBLE: "No he makes a good point. How can we kill Vala?"

JOLLY: "Poison."

DANIEL: "Car accident."

TEALC: "Space battle."

VALA: "I really don't want to die."

SAMANTHA: "Drowning."

UNKNOWN: "Explosive diarrhea."

EVERYONE: "Who the hell said that?"

UNKNOWN: whimper

CAMERON: "Incurable disease."

DANIEL: "Burned to death."

MARBLE: "Oooh, me like."

VALA: "I don't like it. You can't burn me."

PIERRE: "Don't worry, you'll come back right as rain."

SAMANTHA: "I know this is kinda odd, but who's gonna be my love interest this season. Cause both Jack and Pete are gone."

JOLLY: "Hey, yeah. We need a love interest. But it takes too long to establish a new character. Is there anyone we can bring back? Who were Sam's previous love interests?"

SECRETARY: "Okay. Uh, Boyfriends, Samantha: There was Narim, Martouf/Lantash, Jonas—"

SAMANTHA: "What!? Jonas Quinn? I never loved him."

SECRETARY: "Not that Jonas, the other one back in episode 106. Then there was Daniel-kinda-not, Joseph Faxon, Pete, Jack, Fifth, Orlin—"

JOLLY: "Ooh, lets bring back Orlin."

SECRETARY: "Um, he ascended."

JOLLY: "So, we'll bring him back down."

MARBLE: "But make him a child, that way we can really screw around with Sam's emotions."

VALA: "Hey, guys. I'm pregnant."

FANGIRLS: eye daggers at Daniel

DANIEL: "It's isn't mine!"

PIERRE: "Now what are we gonna do?"

CAMERON: "Have the Ori impregnate her."

MARBLE: "Yeah, that could work. Vala's baby is the miracle child of the Ori and will lead them to victory against the non-believers."

JOLLY: "Like an immaculate conception."

TEALC: "That has already been done."

MARBLE: "What when?"

SAMANTHA: "2000 years ago. The kid ended up nailed to a wooden cross. Don't you think people are gonna—"

VALA: "We are not nailing my daughter to anything."

SAMANTHA: "—connect the two."

PIERRE: "Don't worry, we'll deflect their attention with some jokes."

TEALC: "I can mention Star Wars. Darth Vader had no father."

DANIEL: "Yeah, and look how well he turned out."

VALA: "I don't want my child becoming evil."

CAMERON: "King Arthur didn't have a father either.

DANIEL: "Yes, he did. Merlin disguised King Uther as the husband. He had sex with the mom and nine months later Arthur was born."

JOLLY: "Who invited the geek to the meeting?"

MARBLE: "Yeah, go and play with your rocks."

DANIEL: "Artifacts."

TEALC: "Perhaps we could use the bird flu to disguise an Ori plague."

PIERRE: "Oh, that's ingenious."

SECRETARY: "Sorry to interrupt, but we've filled our quota for confusing plot lines for this season."

JOLLY: "Sweet. Meeting ajorned."

* * *

Please review. 


End file.
